Today

Today is the day Marty McFly went to the future. How crazy is that. Those movies came out more or less before I was born (ok, not the second). But let the preachings of Kanye explain - born in 88. How old is that? Old enough. So anyway, even I can't believe it's finally 4/30/2013. Still perplexed how my present is so different from Marty's future, and not a little let down.

Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Lilac season! Lilies of the valley and lilacs definitely top my list of best smelling blooms. Love that purple

These Days

Not much can make me as bizarrely tickled as reading this blog. Everything those babies do just makes me grin, and just laugh to myself like a crazy person all day. Oh my gosh I want babies! And yes a little bit in the irrational way, but also in the totally normal I can wait and not be one of those drooling feverish girls kindof ways. It's a perpetual mix up in this girls head, but no worries, much as I kindof want to, my obsession is only going as far as picking out which star shaped baby Patagonia snow suit I would buy, not actually buying it. Gahhh oh well. This week has been bizarre. The 21st was the day my grandmother died a year ago, and it has not been easy. I lived with her, and still every day I expect to go downstairs and have her waiting in her room for her breakfast and the daily gossip. It's not easy to even realize that she's gone, much less that she was basically bed-ridden when she finally passed. She was a huge part of my life, for better or for worse, and we had the kind of relationship where if I yelled "Mom!," two people would answer: her and my actual mother. There was no difference for any of us. So it's still just a surreal feeling, but anniversaries always seem to put things into perspective, and the fact that my grandmother isn't downstairs waiting to give me her opinion on how scandalous whatever knee length skirt I'm wearing is, much less that she isn't the wonder-woman who would walk 9 miles as a before breakfast hike up-AND-down pretty much every mountain in Acadia National Park, is hard to bear. I know it's part of life, and dying happens, but why my German GI Jane grandmother. It's a coping kind of week, and I miss her.

The Brothers (Happy and Pouty), Grandma Alma and Me

...

"There is a lot of wisdom in a bottle of whiskey."

Jimmy Buffett

Poignant

Do you believe a man can truly love a woman and constantly betray her? Never mind physically but betray her in his mind, in the very poetry of his soul? Well, it's not easy but men do it all the time.

-Mario Puzo

One More, Just Because

I'm not really a movie person anymore. I used to be able to watch them, but since turning the ripe old age of about 22, sitting still for more than a 40 minute show has become a challenge unless the movie has either a): a certain select group of actors (paging Robert Redford, come on), lots of glitter and/or bright colors, or animals as main characters. Oooh or Kate Hudson. Or Ryan Reynolds. But I digress. Tonight I actually decided to take me time and watch Queen of Versailles. Such a sad movie. At first, it was just more poor little rich kids, but really. That poor woman. She may eat 2000 caviar for kicks even on the foreclosure block (is that a thing? Shouldn't I know?) but what a saint. So sad though. They were living in utter denial. I kindof wanted to cry thinking about people who struggle so hard for their family, and try so hard to put on a normal front when things just aren't right. The Christmas party especially... didn't they realize people knew? Other hand though, the father was soo effing stubborn! Just sell that stupid empty house you have another I mean geez. I admit it, it was kindof a feel sorry for me kind of day, but was really inspired to go give at least two big before bed hugs. Life is too goddam short to be that difficult. Work hard, play hard, and if it's making you miserable let it go. Just let it go. My mantra, now to follow it

On another note: me looking tired and makeup-less, but bangs looking hot as hell! Bangs, not me. Just to make that clear. Finally happy with them, but on seeing them today, my mother's comment was "wow, now all you need are some slutty strappy sandals." Apparently they've become almost sultry, like only hair hanging in your eyes can be woo hoo!

Questions!

These were all the rage on myspace back in the day (JT bring it back!) and I cannot for the life of me figure out why I'm not doing this everyday

• 1. Who was the last person to call you baby/babe? Justin Bieber, over and over again
• 2. Anyone crushing on you? Dubious
• 3. What is your relationship status? He got dibs
• 4. Has anyone ever sang to you? Yes!
• 5. Has anyone ever given you roses? Yes... V-day. My favorites are yellow and pink!
• 6. Who do you text the most? Not big on texting for some reason. But usually other realtors in lieu (word choice!) of email
• 7. First person to text today? Jamiesie?
• 8. What color are your eyes? Green, sometimes blue with yellow apparently
• 9. What is a compliment you receive often? You're actually really pretty when you smile! Backhanded I know. And nice hair
• 10. Who was the last person to say they loved you and when? Boyfriend, about an hour ago
• 11. Do you like your parents? One
• 12. Do you secretly like someone? I'm writing this on the internet, so clearly, ain't got no secrets
• 13. Why did your last relationship end? Wow.
• 14. Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone? Boyfriend!
• 15. Who was the last person you kissed? Myself. In the mirror. I like me what can I say
• 16. Do you like funny people or serious people? All mood baby
• 17. What are you listening to? Lots of Movement. Stuff that makes me imagine I'm somewhere else
• 18. Is the last person you kissed older than you? By like a million years
• 19. Are you happy right now? Definitely
• 20. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? Valentino studded gladiators. And a yellow 70's TR6 convertible
• 21. Who makes you happiest right now? Work. Good people
• 22. Do you want to get married & have children one day? With the right person, but definitely kids no matter what. Cannot wait
• 23. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? If he gets lucky
• 24. How many girlfriends/ boyfriends have told you they love you? Most
• 25. Have you ever thought that you were going to marry a person? Yea
• 26. Are you crushing on someone? The boyfriend! I like his hair what can I say
• 27. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? Oh yes
• 28. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? Unfortunately. But not from being mean
• 29. Are you happier single or in a relationship? I'm happier drinking my feelings
• 30. Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn't mean it? Yes
• 31. Have you ever had your heart broken? Yess
• 32. Have you ever broken someone's heart? Apparently
• 33. If you could go back in time and change things, would you? Depends. A few kindof trivial things, but I'm a perpetual believer
• 34. Think any of your ex's feel the same? Well, it wouldn't be changing anything for them so who knows!
• 35. Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend? The very best, even if it doesn't always show
• 36. Have you dated people who were not good to you? Yes. Just yes
• 37. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Nope
• 38. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yep, but does it last?
• 39. Ever been given an engagement ring? Errr?
• 40. Do you want to get married? With the right person, then for sure
• 41. Has anyone ever told you they wanted to marry you? Yep
• 42. Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend? No. Never
• 43. Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? Does it sound that bad? But if so, then yes yes yes
• 44. Have any of your ex's told you they regret breaking up with you? Psh. Who would've been that mature to put that into words 
• 45. Would you believe your ex if he said they love you? Irrelevant
• 46. Would you ever date your best male friend? I am...
• 47. If your best friend of the opposite sex went out with someone you knew was wrong for them would you speak up? Usually not til it's too late. Firm believer in minding my own business
• 48. Do you regret any of your relationships? Depends on how many Jameson's. But wouldn't repeat any
• 49. Would you date an ex? I have. Many times over
• 50. Who do you think will actually take the time to read this? Hopefully no body!

Dream

Last night I had the best dream ever. Someone left me with their dog, a big golden named Henry, who fell in love with me. We went sailing together in Hawaii, and he wouldn't let me go anywhere without him, and when I did try, he would wrap his front paws around my leg. We were in a fifties diner together eating lunch when I woke up. Beyond disappointed to not find him sleeping next to my bed.

Changes

The Happy Marriage Is the 'Me' Marriage - NYT

By Tara Parker Pope

“A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage.

Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons.  But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.

“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.”

The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?

Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting.”

It is interesting to see the different people who have evolved into the "new" way, and those still settling  for the "business deal. As I get older, I see so much more than I expected from when I was younger of the latter type. Full article here 

Food For Thinking About

Poignant

NO SLEEP TIL... Virgin Gorda?

For a house where everyone is supposed to be sleeping, there sure are a lot of unexplained middle of the night crashes here. Everytime I'm about to fall back asleep, there is another one, and even so I don't think I'd be able to sleep anyway. Just too much happening. It feels like everything is changing right now. People are leaving, I'm leaving actually! Virgin Gorda for a week for the Rolex Swan Caribbean; I was lucky enough to be invited to go along to do foredeck, and I could not be less excited. I've never been before (Puerto Rico doesn't count...), and honestly, getting out of town for awhile is exactly what I need at this point. Something that I've been dreading for at least six months has finally happened, and I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with it mentally. I'm feeling stronger about it now than a few days ago, but still not totally at ease, so focussing on mindless hard sailing for awhile sounds great. Also, I just got bangs to try to get my mind out of this mental rut too! I can already tell I won't be getting any trims other than to keep them at bay as they grow out (just too much work to keep bangs I think...) but it's fun for awhile, and it keeps my thoughts on my head, not in which is nice. Also, my phone has finallyyyy bitten the dust, so this is perfect timing! I won't even need it!

Where We'll be staying - Cannot Wait!

Cheese!

3 Months In

Officially March 1. New Years feels like yesterday, and it's things like this that make me believe that I am literally almost 30. And yes, I realize I'm 24, and some might say that is nowhere in the vicinity of a third decade, but literally, I will wake up one day and say "It feels like just yesterday I was 24," and it will feel just like this does. That's my justification for that argument, even though no one seems to accept it as fact but me, but it actually really does make sense!

Sunny has been so clingy lately! This was her last night, in between my knees where she refused to move for 20 mins. She never goes up to the third floor unless she's feeling needy, and then she just sits and stares, just willing me to understand her. I never do, but pet her anyway, and here she is in all her silent glory. It's a little unnerving actually, she's so intense when she wants something. I almost wish she'd bark; it would lighten the mood.

Also, Stubbs has my favorite shoes ever back in stock. I actually never realized they were narrow until I saw them on the site again, and now I get why they've been pretty much impossible to break in. I wear a B width, so AA is actually two sizes too narrow. For some reason I always thought I just had huge feet when it cames to Stubbs, so this is very reassuring. Also, I hate to say it, but they've (accidentally) turned into my rain shoes as of late (just horrible serendipity when it comes to not checking the weather and getting dressed in some of my favorite shoes simultaneously), so they're looking a little like the roof of a wet tiki bar woven into some truly lovely footwear, and I wish there were some way to fix this!

In all their unstained glory

Finally, see Argo! Ben Affleck has been a favorite actor ever since Shakespeare In Love, and I honestly thought I'd be bored out of my skull, but I actually stayed relatively transfixed the entire time! And that never happens, unless it's some sort of Pixar, so this is saying a lottt! Also, John Goodman is back, so another county heard from (when was the last time he was in a movie?) and another reason to see it!

Guilty

Just found this article online. Definitely am guilty of this one, I actually wonder every day what it means, unfortunately, now I know...

PJ's

Every now and then, it becomes completely apparent just how related my brother and I are. For example... earlier tonight, the merits of flannel pajamas were discussed. I have been a fan ever since my first Paul Frank pair from the Nordstrom Brass Plum department for a sixth grade sleep over (bought for the occasion, it was clearly one of those social mile stones and deserved a new pair so as to be recognized appropriately/aka they were super sick and I felt so cool). It turned out that both my brother and I were in full agreement that Olatz should make at least one such pair, instead of only sticking with silk, linen and cotton. Until they do, I'm sticking with my Victoria's Secret's in pink toile (bought with many a leftover gift card!), but meanwhile, it's nice to know that strange obsessions with bizarrely knowing about incredibly out-of-our-price-range pj's are something we can always have in common in our not always predictable family values.

Lightness

It's 2013, and this must be the latest new years post, but honestly, I have had absolutely nothing to say. Zip. Nothing that needs to go out into the world. I'm grateful for so many things, I'm frustrated to tears with so many others, but I'm alive, and healthy, with a select group of people who mean the world to me and who I know feel the same. Life is confusing sometimes, but the simple things really mean the most, and make it as good as it is sometimes. To start, sometimes the absolute best way to make your day is to have a clear, to the point conversation with someone who you just need to clear the air with. Another way is to write a list of all the things that have to be done, put them on a timeline, and try your goddamdest to check at least a few off every day. Finally, just do something good for someone who matters! Just try to make a difference in their day, no matter how big or small, to show that you actually do care. It may sound cheesy at first, but it's so easy to get caught up in life and forget to do that last one. These three things in particular are what I want to focus on in the new year. Just doing them in some way every day makes me feel much lighter, and on the way towards what I have to accomplish to make myself a more successful, independent, and happy individual. Literally, I just want to be a feather;   floating and wafting, but always in the sun. Just going where the wind takes me, and not staying stiff and trying so hard to keep still, but still somehow managing to nimbly dodge anything that comes my way. It's a tall order, I know, but there could be worse role models. To stay light and airy, and flexible and not tied down to something for no reason.

Something that keeps running through my head is the phrase, "you're someone's sunshine; lighten up." This definitely goes with the feather mantra for me. To just be shiny and feathery and soft and bright and easy like Sunday morning. Not like easy easy of course though. So yes, this is a bizarre post, but sometimes absence just makes it all come pouring out when you do return. I'll return to the musings on whatever J. Crew article I desperately need (read: want) soon enough I'm pretty sure, but this just came to me after my short hiatus from writing. Finally, this song has been stuck in my head. Just the lilt of the words reminds me of the feather again. Also, if you look closely, she has one of those terrifying vintage alligator bags where it is honestly a baby alligator (with head!) turned into a bag! I actually have one too, tucked away in my closet. It was a gift, but I can't bring myself to touch it so it's just one of the many bizarre treasures I've acquired and would never even dream of getting rid of, no matter how much it freaks me out.

                           

Poignant

                                        Amazing song

Quarter Life Crisis

Yesterday I picked up the weekly free itunes gift card from Starbucks, and this time it was a rental for the movie Happy. I wasn't expecting to watch it, but today as I nursed my hangover from last night's annual Eggnog at AYC, I decided to give it a try. One thing I can say with certainty is that these days, happy is not how I would always describe myself. For various reasons, I feel almost completely torn down and overwhelmed. It shows too. When I taught sailing a few years ago as a summer job, all the kids called me "Smiley." Cheesy, but apparently I was always smiling. Lately I don't feel quite as exuberant; circumstances are wearing on me, and I feel kindof frustrated with myself at most given times. One thing that I really picked up on from watching Happy is that people who change their routines often tend to be more cheerful. Also, we tend to have a certain state that we return to after either positive or negative changes, Our happiness resting point can vary from person to person. I would say that my happiness resting point has gone down lately, and I'm thinking I can chalk it up to a quarter life crisis. Things career-wise are a little out of my control, and family and friends are sometimes uncertain as well, just because of silly dramas. As of today, I'm currently on the lookout for all the little things that do make me very happy, even if only for a moment, so I can look on those things and make a positive change in my daily happiness resting point, so I can get this ridiculous mentality balanced, and not be such a worrier. Things currently making me very happy:
1. Today, for the first time since I got my real estate license in August, a friend/peer contacted me asking for help BUYING a house! Exciting!

2. My sexy lace Victoria's Secret dress that I wore last night! Definitely the only one of it's kind there, and I loved every minute of wearing it
3. Christmas shopping for James; it's true that it really is better to give than receive, and I keep coming up with more things that I think he'd love and his big wooden cigar box (my gift wrapping of choice for him) of presents is getting full already in spite of my best efforts to not go overboard this year
4. Going to see family in Montclair this weekend for the Christmas party
5. Thinking about the future, and what I'm really really  hoping it holds for me if I can make it happen!

Wisdom

"What is it you really want then?" "Real estate."

Apres Red Ants

Rad

Cannot get over how cool this pattern from Neve Designs is. There is also an awesome duffel that almost matches, and the Chamonix pullover is sweet too. The one time I've ever been to the Swiss Alps, I had just been bitten by red ants (which I'm allergic to!) and my foot was completely swollen for at least a month so I couldn't ski even once. This image I'm sure represents very accurately what I missed out on, but the girl would have blonde hair of course. On another note, "Johnny and Mary" by Robert Palmer is stuck in my head. Does this mean something? I googled the lyrics just in case.

Windows

"Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world."
                                                           -George Bernard Shaw